Category Archives: Divorce Mediation

To share useful information on divorce or mediation that can be used to improve the lives of children and the adults who are undergoing such a difficult time.

Keeping Your Head Above Water When Going Through a Divorce

By Dan Blair, marriage counselor and family counselor

Going through a divorce is one of top stressors one can experience. You may be at your worst at a time that you may need to be at your best. Everyone deals with stress differently, but if you feel overwhelmed, add structure. Getting through your day may involve additional planning. Knowing how to to deal with negative emotions and knowing who to trust is part of the plan.

When planning your day, plan for time to release emotions and to put it bluntly, get used to the idea of having emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, and guilt. Many report that when they let the emotions hit them like a wave, they come and then they go. The more it is resisted, the more painful. Staying present and caring about your emotions and needs is important. Over time the painful part gradually subsides in intensity, duration, and frequency. (This along with addressing thinking errors is the path toward acceptance). After such a release, it will be time to refocus. Refocus on one step at a time, according to your daily plan, (yes, have a daily plan to follow) which is based on your priorities and what you can realistically accomplish.

Moving through an alternating pattern of releasing emotion and refocusing on tasks may be a good template for getting through this. Obviously, the emotions are going to build and then you will need a release, and then you will need to refocus. Perhaps the release will be needed once an hour for a few minutes, or only on breaks. Go out for a walk or a change of scenery. Take deep breaths, and focus on each of your five senses and take it as much as you can. The need for release may come unexpectedly. Going to the bathroom, sitting still and act like you are working, and avoiding eye contact for a few minutes may be options at this time, but sometimes you have to suck it up and stay professional. During the time to refocus, stay active in either mental focus or physical movement. During lunch take time to list your questions that need to be answered, or read a self-help book. Set boundaries at work, like not taking calls about divorce, or from friends who are talking about divorce.

While it is important to remain professional, work productivity often suffers during this time. Work life balance is challenging. If your supervisor can be trusted, let him or her know to keep an eye on you. He or she is often willing to check in to see if you are okay, as long as it is not taking too much away from your responsibilities. Anyone you confide it needs to be safe (in other words, telling will not backfire on you), be willing to give you space, and support if you are checking out. In addition, choose one peer to do the same for you. Understand that you are not alone and that you should not be ashamed of your personal situation. Many go down this road.

When I went through an unexpected divorce, it took a long time to accept. Even though this occurred a long time ago, it propels my passion to provide marriage counseling to prevent divorce, and divorce mediation to make as many agreements as effectively as possible (still using attorney advice).  Now, I am happily remarried. Much of my work that I do now is helping parents prevent divorce and helping kids affected by conflict. I like the advice that divorce is like a bad neighborhood, don’t go there alone.

What to Expect When Divorcing

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Divorce can be devastating, from the immediate aftermath effects on finances, parenting, and social status. Understanding the aftermath, realignment and stabilization phases can help, though it still takes time to recover. 

Continue reading What to Expect When Divorcing

Ex Communication

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

To resolve issues with an “ex” in an unavoidable divorce, present and future co-parents may have to be at the point where they are tired of having issues and spending money for going to court.  To resolve issues co-parents have to let go of total control, which can be scary.  One also has to set aside the anger, hurt, and betrayal that fuels ongoing conflict.  The emotion is understandable, Continue reading Ex Communication

Protecting Children in Divorce

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

You can make a difference when it comes to insulating your children from the harmful effects of unavoidable divorce.  Children of divorce are most affected by ongoing conflict, absent parents, and financial shifts in lifestyle.  Moreover, how the child responds to the divorce is modeled by how each parent deals with it.  Generally, if the parents are coping well, the children are coping well. Continue reading Protecting Children in Divorce

Divorce Mediation FAQ About Finances

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Here are some questions that need to be answered in the best financial interest of the family:

1. Have I consulted with an attorney and/or a tax accountant specializing in divorce so I understand my best options when filing for taxes?
2. Who will claim the children for dependent tax exemptions? Continue reading Divorce Mediation FAQ About Finances

Divorce Mediation FAQ About the Children

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Here are some questions that will have to be answered not by the mediator, but by the parents in the best interest of their children:

1. What is in the best interest of the child when determining custody?

2. Will child care be needed? Continue reading Divorce Mediation FAQ About the Children

Is Divorce Mediation Worth It?

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Two of the main goals for divorce mediation in unavoidable divorce are to save money and time in a long process, and reduce antagonism and stress that can come from an adversarial process.  Two well-attested facts are:
1. Kids are most damaged by the fighting between the parents.
2. The money spent in litigation could be used for more desirable things, and for your kids.

Often litigation is the only option.  But if divorce mediation is used, the benefits are worthwhile. Divorce mediation: Continue reading Is Divorce Mediation Worth It?