What is Attachment?

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Attachment is a kind of bond that endures over time. It is primarily developed the first to third year of life, but that is not the only chance to develop attachment. Attachment figures are those who meet needs of the child especially in times of distress. Attachment shapes a child’s nervous system. Continue reading What is Attachment?

Working with Counselors and Court

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Working with the Court in managing chaotic situations involving children and counseling is challenging and requires an additional set of skills. This article should help to evaluate court-involved counseling. It is important to know how counseling will affect the legal process and how the legal process will affect counseling. Continue reading Working with Counselors and Court

Reunification Therapy with Estranged and Alienated Parents

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Aside from abuse, children generally benefit from a relationship with both mom and dad. Even if there are negative aspects of a parent, children benefit from interacting with one who “brought them into this world,” and can learn crucial coping skills and expand personal styles of problem-solving. Children usually benefit from all the resources of both homes. Also, as both parents and child age the opportunity for a more comfortable relationship develops. Research indicates that not only do children benefit from a relationship with both parents, but in retrospect, children wish they had more time with the non-custodial parent and that children can still feel rejected by estranged and alienated parents. In retrospect, adult children report that they wish someone helped them with their relationship with the “other” parent.

Parents especially in divorce can become estranged or alienated. Estranged parents generally involves the deterioration of the parent’s relationship with the child due to parental factors and child behavior. The child and parent both experience the disconnection. For children of alienated parents, the emphasis is more on what the child has been told about their experience with the other parent, which may include exaggerations and negative allegations. Even if the allegations are true about the other parent, it is difficult if not impossible to accurately measure the exact impact on the child. The child may be attracted to power, and the child may either be more aligned with the more powerful parent, or the child may find power in protecting the “victimized” parent. Some signs of alienation can be found in the post How One Parent Undermines the Other Parent and Visitation Refusal.

Reunification therapy is difficult because it requires not only the usual willingness to make personal changes but also the elusive ability to utilize (versus attack) someone else’s point of view. The earlier the intervention the better. The goal is to help kids past anxiety and avoidance to mastery and confidence. Therapeutic goals are based on each situation, but always involve the parent and child seeing the impact of their own behavior on the other, expressing remorse, the ability to refocus on a future relationship, and effective restriction on the other parent’s interference. Interventions include identifying thinking errors, improving communication, resolving attachment issues, and building self-esteem. Therapists should be active, directive and able to confront maladaptive interactions. Success is determined by the parents making agreements that stick.

What Is Parenting Coordination?

Parenting coordination is a future trend and a viable option to custody battles. When parents are not able come to an agreement regarding their children a parent coordinator will mediate the issue. If parents are still not able to come to an agreement a parent coordinator gathers information to make a decision in the child’s best interest. Continue reading What Is Parenting Coordination?

How One Parent Undermines the Other Parent

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Much of the time one parent does not realize what they are doing. The effect on the kids is unnoticed. It is usually experienced by the child as stress, tension, anxiety, guilt and depression. Kids may act out or hide it. Parents usually justify it.

What is “it?” On the moderate side it is undermining the other parent and it can lead to alienation. While some parents undermine themselves, one parent undermines the other when intentionally or non-intentionally one parent sends a message that a positive relationship with the other parent is not that important.

How does this happen? It may happen not so much by what a parent says but how he or she feels when he or she says it. If a parent is concerned about his or her child’s welfare when questioning the child about the other parent, the child may perceive your concern as if the child is in a bad situation. Subsequent comments may suggest to the child that something is bad about the other parent. Perhaps the comments are an exaggeration of the other parent’s flaws. A parent’s natural wish to protect a child may lead to proposing ways the child can deal with this “awful” situation, and maybe even question the appropriateness of time spent with the parent.

The next step in undermining the parental relationship would be to give power to the child in deciding whether or not a parental relationship is appropriate. While most parents would not hesitate to insist their child do something that they must do, building a workable relationship with the other parent may be seen as optional. For a child, though, to choose between having a relationship with a parent and not having a relationship is distressing. Even though kids may complain about their parents and protest against seeing a parent, they generally deep down want a good relationship with both parents. When one parent sides with the protest, however, the child may see this is a way to connect with the “better” parent, and the other parent may lose out.

The more the child avoids the “problematic” parent the easier it gets to avoid the “problematic” parent. Plus, the child gets approval and attention from the “better” parent. A powerful reinforced cycle develops.

The child may react by idealizing one parent and devaluing the other. Or the child’s complaints are listed and some of them are trivial or untrue. The complaints sound like they don’t reflect the child’s true feelings, or there is little ambivalence. Children may deny hope for reconciliation.

Children who are burdened by an undermining parent learn that it is not possible to have a good relationship with both parents. The other parent may give the child space to come around, but this may inadvertently reinforce negative perceptions. Or, the other parent may “push” the relationship, again reinforcing negative perceptions. Also, the parent may respond to undermining by undermining the other parent, and then underrate the effect on the kids. Both parents end up with little insight into one’s own contribution to the problem.

The effect on the kids can include changes in how the child views the world, lowered self-esteem, loss of self-confidence, future conflict, issues with attention, depression, and/or anxiety, future addiction and other effects revealed by research. Unfortunately, kids identify with negative aspects of both parents. Often though, the better the relationship with one parent the better the relationship with the other parent. In retrospect, adult children report that they wish someone helped them with their relationship with the “other” parent.

Parenting After Divorce

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Parenting after divorce presents new challenges. Each parent will have their own rules and approach. The kids have to learn that mom and dad’s house is different. The rule remains though that both parents will have better outcomes if they back each other up. Continue reading Parenting After Divorce

How to Tell Kids About Divorce

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Telling the kids is often described as the toughest part of a divorce. The kid’s dream of a “normal” life with mom and dad loving each other dies hard. There is much lost even in a “good divorce” so make sure divorce is unavoidable. Research says that ongoing conflict or an unloving home can be worse than a divorce, so it is important to understand the kids’ point of view.  For example, consider these lyrics by Tom Delonge:

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems
They never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them everyday
We get along, so why can’t they?
If this is what he wants
And this is what she wants
Then why is there so much pain?

Continue reading How to Tell Kids About Divorce

Ex Communication

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

To resolve issues with an “ex” in an unavoidable divorce, present and future co-parents may have to be at the point where they are tired of having issues and spending money for going to court.  To resolve issues co-parents have to let go of total control, which can be scary.  One also has to set aside the anger, hurt, and betrayal that fuels ongoing conflict.  The emotion is understandable, Continue reading Ex Communication

Protecting Children in Divorce

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

You can make a difference when it comes to insulating your children from the harmful effects of unavoidable divorce.  Children of divorce are most affected by ongoing conflict, absent parents, and financial shifts in lifestyle.  Moreover, how the child responds to the divorce is modeled by how each parent deals with it.  Generally, if the parents are coping well, the children are coping well. Continue reading Protecting Children in Divorce

Divorce Mediation FAQ About Finances

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Here are some questions that need to be answered in the best financial interest of the family:

1. Have I consulted with an attorney and/or a tax accountant specializing in divorce so I understand my best options when filing for taxes?
2. Who will claim the children for dependent tax exemptions? Continue reading Divorce Mediation FAQ About Finances